Thursday, June 9, 2011

Summer Plans

Normally this is what I would do with my summer:

In an attempt to entertain children (who are we kidding, we just liked dressing up!) I would dress up all crazy at a summer camp that I had attended as a child. I love this camp, my heart still aches for the energy, the songs, the.....I am going to stop before I rationalize having a baby up in the woods.

It has been two summer since I have worked there. Camp took up the whole summer and so you didn't have to make any summer plans and you felt accomplished by using your summer dressing up like a unicorn (true story). After getting married, I decided I couldn't really work at camp without it being weird...So I decided to take summer courses at UW. Then the next summer I as a nanny so my days were filled with trips to Alki beach and trying to get over losing a baby. Wasn't a summer of "let's accomplish things!"

This summer is different though. I am back in my hometown which has awesome summer weather and is a fun little town. I want to make sure that I enjoy this summer. Currently the summer is revolving around when baby will come and it will certainly dictate how summer turns out, but I want to make sure that I feel accomplished with my summer (besides pushing a human out of my whoo-ha), even if it means pulling out that unicorn suit.....

So my summer list:

1.Have a baby (ok obvious one...)
2.Complete the prenatal water aerobics class I signed up for
3.Read a ton of books (book suggestions people...)
4.Visit camp often/oretend like they will let pregnant people work there
5.Celebrate Pioneer Day (it's a church holiday of sorts where we honor those that trekked across snowy lands to have religious freedom)
6.Perservere in breastfeeding (I have talked to my mom and she says the first two weeks suck which makes a lot of people go...no thank you, or think that something is wrong with their milk production)
7. Paint some original artwork (I got this idea in my head for a piece of art and I am really excited about it especially since I can gift it to the hubby for our anniversary because it's gonna be sentimental)
8. Learn to send thank you cards (seriously I suck at this. Don't even ask about our wedding thank you cards which were all written and never delivered....)
9. Find a place to live in our soon to be new hometown of Spokane (main needs are a w/d and lots of natural lighting)
10. Keep in touch with friends and go out an enjoy this quaint, wierd town.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

We are getting there...

I am 35 weeks now. Which means that this baby is getting nice and fat inside me. It also means baby is running out of room in there and I can tell that this baby likes space. Lately it keeps kicking and kicking and kicking, it makes the husband laugh and at night he has tele-kinetic dreams with our child where he can communicate with the baby through some sort of baby-kick-morse-code. It makes me laugh.

So for now I am just waiting for baby and constantly pondering the age-old question of who I want to be and such. Once the husband and I were talking about something feminism related (a favorite topic of mine if you didn't know) and he brought up a scripture that said:

And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.

When I read it my heart sunk because the husband brought it up to point out the "strong even like unto the men" portion, claiming that men were stronger blah blah blah. I didn't know what to think of it and I found that when I have questions about things that I feel really passionately about the best thing I can do is wait it out. The answer always comes and it's always glorious. So I furrowed my eyebrows and I might have hit him. But secretly I was pondering and deciding to wait.


Well yesterday I finally understood the passage. This all has a point....you'll see.


So being pregnant isn't all sunshine and rainbows like I idealized (there I go setting expectations). It comes with a lot of hormonal fluctuations and some days you find yourself in a pit of gloom, worried about what kind of mother you will be and if you can handle it and oh my goodness it is sooo hot and I didn't even sleep last night and I just want to curl up in a ball and wither away on my sheets that need washing. Got it?


So there I was being all moody and weird and my husband was trying desperately to figure out what the heck was wrong with me and then the next day I woke up and it wasn't much of a day until we did our joint scripture study before bed. We decided to pick back up on reading the Book of Mormon with the studying perspective of "family," and there we were in 1 Nephi 17 and I started reading and came across that scripture that the husband had brought up awhile back. But this time when I read my mind blossomed like peonies outside my window and I got it (was that too cheesy? sorry).


So these people in the wilderness have been through a lot. Understandably the women complain (we are rather good at it I must agree). So here these women are bearing children in the wilderness (no pain meds at its best people!) and then they have to keep journeying and then they can't even cook their meat so they are eating raw meat (ew ew ew) and they breastfed all the while (they ate that raw meat FOR their kids, it was a matter of life or death) and after all this I think they realized they were strong, just like the men were in terms of physical strength. It was only after these women went through all of the afflictions of motherhood and sacrificing their appetites so their babies could survive did they realize that, "Hey, I AM strong! I am strong just like any of these fellows out here!"


So after that they stop murmuring. Because they know they can do it.


It wasn't that they weren't strong before or that the men were stronger at some point, but I truly believe it was that they had to experience the hardships and get through them to realize that they were strong.


I think I get a little worried about whether I can do it at all, the whole labor-becoming a mom thing. But really it's inside all of us, the strength to bear through without needing to complain. Because once you realize your strength, you realize all you are capable of and you can slowly stop the whole pity-party thing.


So I am excited for labor whether it happens naturally or not because I know that ultimately it will help me to realize the strength within me.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Bucket List

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do in life. Being pregnany has given way to a lot of introspection and my number one desire is to be a mother. So I'm pretty lucky that I have that one worked out so far. But there is still so much I want to accomplish, so many skills I want to develop. So I thought I would write some of them down and maybe you can suggest ways that I can accomplish them now, or later, or just ways to accomplish them that I might not know about.

1. learn to play the guitar
2. learn to play the piano
3. publish a book (ok so this one I am kinda working on....the book part that is)
4. learn to paint
5. learn to knit
6. learn to crochet (apparently I just want to be an old lady...)
7. sew a dress
8. run a marathon
9. visit Australia
10.visit Africa
11.write a song
12.run my own resident camp
13.ride in a hot air balloon
14.learn how to build things (like using carpentry tools and such)
15.learn how to cook from instinct
16.visit the holy land

this is not an exhaustive list...there are things that pop into my head all the time and some are way more personal than I wish to share online...but you get the idea.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Part 8

I showed up at the fairgrounds with my camp buddies Twilight, Waffles, and Potato. We all rode together smashed into Twilight’s car blasting music and giggling in excitement about the night ahead. It had been a dry summer day, the only moisture coming from sticky skin and condensation on soda cans. Summer nights in Yakima were magical, they held the potential for anything to happen and I could feel the electric buzz in the air. My life was about to change and I kinda had a feeling it would happen.

The fairgrounds sparkled with lights. The smell of funnel cakes and corn dogs permeated the air. We wandered around and finally bumped into Mongoose, Tejas, and Carissa. Mongoose and I jokingly exchanged banter,
“Fancy seeing you here,”
“Long time, no see,”
“What a surprise!”

I was so excited to see him and my heart rhythm changed every time he looked my way. But she was still there and it was like nothing had changed. I wanted so badly for things to change, for me to be the one holding his hand. I wanted another kiss.
I was started to hate wanting him.

We all wandered around together and fortunately I had friends to distract me from the fact that I wasn’t getting all the attention I wanted. The fireworks show was starting soon and we wanted to find a spot where we could all sit together. We ventured over to a grassy area and all sat down. Mongoose sat down next to me and we chatted for a minute when Carissa and Potato got up, deciding to get some lemonade. I was excited for a moment with Mongoose without her near.

As soon as Carissa and Potato were out of sight I felt his hand on top of mine. He wasn’t holding my hand just covering it with his own. My heart fluttered with a mix of emotions. On one hand I was so excited and my hormones were shooting through the roof. On the other hand….WHO WAS THIS GUY?

I mean did he think he could play me this much? His girlfriend wasn’t far away and he was trying to hold my hand. I was crushing and I was mad. I liked him and I hated him.

I decided to just ignore it and pretend like everything was normal and pretty soon Carissa and Potato were back. His hand quickly slipped away. I looked at Potato and she gave me this look that said, “She knows.”

The guilt was overwhelming. I didn’t want to be that girl. I didn’t want to be part of a cheating scandal. It made me sick to my stomach and I decided to just forget all about him. Forget about the chemistry, the kiss, the heart flutters. The fireworks ended and I felt like all the magic and hope was gone. We all parted ways and headed back to Twilight’s car.

We decided being young that our night was not over. We were starved and headed to Shari’s, a diner, to discuss our lives over milkshakes, waffles, and eggs.
The girls wanted the scoop. They wanted to know how I felt about everything and what all had happened. I spilled my heart out in frustration. Potato told me that Carissa had suspected something was up but wasn’t incredibly hurt about it. She explained that their relationship was definitely more of a summer fling and that she hadn’t expected much from it, especially since he was going to be at camp all summer. I felt a little relieved but not much. Then Potato tried to convince me that Mongoose wasn’t as bad as I imagine him being.

“He’s a really good guy, I promise.”

“I don’t know, I mean I really like him but I don’t know if I can trust him…” I replied.

“You know he’s Mormon right?”

All of a sudden my whole world changed. Thoughts flooded my mind as I analyzed what him being Mormon could possibly mean.

“HE’S WHAT?!??!!” I shouted.
Just like in the movies the entire restaurant turned their heads looking my way. My cheeks grew red in embarrassment over my exclamation.

“He’s Mormon.” She confirmed.

Everything I knew about Mormons raced to my mind. Although he was playing me like a fool, I couldn’t really blame that on him being Mormon. It was more a boy thing and besides every time I was around him, he was so kind to me. He looked at me. I felt like I was worth something when I was around him. Now I didn’t need a boy to tell me I was special because I was a pretty confident young girl, but I struggled like any teenager.

Although what I had heard about Mormon’s wasn’t much, there was still a stigma attached to the name. However, I decided that in the end it really didn’t mean all that much, him being Mormon.

The rest of the conversation turned into what should be done about my relationship with him. The girls convinced me that I really needed to take charge and just confront him about everything. If he really wanted to be with me the two-timing had to stop. I agreed with all of this and realized my folly in letting it go on for so long without saying anything to him.

So in a parking lot smashed in with the girls I called Mongoose. It was around midnight and I was more nervous than I had ever been. I didn’t know what to say.

“Uh…Hi Mongoose?”

“Hey Gidget. What’s up? It’s kinda late…”

“Yeah…uhhh…I’m sorry about that but I….uh….I am with Potato and Twilight and Waffles….and I uhhh….they told me I should call you to talk….about….you know…everything.”

Potato, Twilight, and Waffles all moaned and shushed me, whispering how I should not be mentioning they were with me.

“Uh…ok,” He responded, “Let’s talk. What’s on your mind?”

I was bad on the phone. I always have been. Plus, I felt doubly awkward and didn’t know how to handle trying to convince a boy to choose you over his summer fling.

“Well….so I don’t really like how things are going…I kinda feel like I am being played… and I just…I just want you to decide.”

“Yeah…It hasn’t really been normal, has it? To tell you the truth I was expecting this conversation,” I could hear in his voice a sense of guilt, “I am really sorry about how things have been…I have been kinda stupid about the whole thing…Um…I am going to make a call and then can I call you back?”

“Uh…” I looked to the girls for support; they nodded in approval, “Sure. Call me back.”

I hung up the phone and the girls all exploded in laughter. They thought that I was incredibly socially awkward on the phone and it delighted them. We all thought it best to just go home for the night and that way when he called back I would be alone.
I sat in my room waiting for him to call back. It wasn’t long before my phone rang and I answered immediately.

“Well, it’s all done.”

“What do you mean?” I responded.

“Well after talking to you earlier I realized I needed to make a choice. That it wasn’t fair to keep stringing both of you along and trying to play it cool. I realized that if I had to make a choice, I choose you. So I called Carissa and explained that it wasn’t going to work out between us. So…”

“So…does this mean…”

“You're my girlfriend."

I smiled. This night turned out better than I thought it was going to.

Click here for Part 9

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Making me a Mama

Have you read kellehampton.com? If you haven't I highly recommend you dash over to the most inspiring, down-to-earth, and just real as it gets blog. Every now and then when I wish I could read more of her words I look at her past posts. Recently I read the birth story of her first daughter and I was overcome with emotion. The reality of this child in me became so real with her words, "you made me a mama."

This little life inside of me is what will make me a mama. Hopefully more children will follow but there is something so special about the first child I am realizing. It is strange to think this baby has a personality and sometimes when I am all alone I just talk to it. Sometimes I wish I knew the gender but in all reality I am really liking the aspect of surprise. I love feeling the baby inside me, the kicks and position changes. I am very excited to meet this little person because I know that they will be so special and they will teach me so much more than I can ever teach them.

I have dreamt about being a mama for a long time. I have longed to kiss the heads of my children at night and hold them tight. I cannot wait to sing them soft lullabies and teach them about life and love and faith.

I so badly want to "nest" and create a perfect place for this little one to enter into. A beautiful little gender neutral room where I can feel inspired to do motherly things. But really I am finding out more and more that nothing will replace the pure love we can give this child. No matter what bedding, clothing, or gadgets we have this baby will be wrapped in love. That is the only haven it really wants. That and milk.

So even though I have fun creating cute little onesies and picking out the "perfect" carseat, I know that deep down I have everything it takes to be a mama. It's always been inside of me and this baby is going to reveal my infinite self-worth as a mother. I am so excited.

And because it was requested here is a picture of me today at 32 weeks.

Photobucket

Friday, May 13, 2011

Love Story Part 7

The next morning we all headed back to town. I was given a sweet smile before Mongoose and I departed and when I reached home I ran upstairs to my bedroom and flopped down on the bed. I could hear my younger siblings running around with friends in and out of the house. I had a little brother, Mike and two younger sisters, Caroline and Margaret. Margaret had just turned two and was practically attached to my mother’s hip. I was the oldest girl but still had two older brothers, J.P. and Robert who were living in Seattle attending the University of Washington. I didn’t miss them much because once they left, so did all of the teasing. I was always a very reclusive child when it came to time at home, probably due to all of the taunting that came when I appeared. I liked my space and relished in the few moments that I had to take in what had happened the night before.

I jolted up and realized I desperately needed to check my myspace and email. I had my own computer in my room and I was addicted to the new social networking capabilities the internet provided. Of course, I had to scour Mongoose’s myspace page once more. He didn’t seem to use it much but there were a couple of posts from his girlfriend Carissa before camp had started. I analyzed each and every word looking for anything that might calm my fears of what was actually going on.

He had a girlfriend.

He just kissed me last night.

I was the “other woman.”

Guilt surrounded me and I felt awful. I redirected my thoughts and decided to properly shower and head out to the supermarket to pick up a few things. Trying to get clean at camp was a joke. You would get wet and then walk out into the dust bowl and be completely dirty immediately. You never really got clean until you came back into town. Once I was done, I drove to the store. I need to pick up a journal and some toiletries for the coming week. I am someone who loves to wander around a store to just check things out so I soon found myself near the jewelry seeing if there was anything I would possibly wear. I was staring at some rings when I heard a familiar voice,
“Hey Gidget!”

It was Mongoose. Correction. It was Mongoose and Carissa.

My cheeks flushed as he smiled as if everything was completely normal. Because it is completely normal to kiss one girl and the next day see her and hold the hand of your actual girlfriend.

“Uhhh, hi. What are you two up to?” I responded.

“Oh, I needed some flip flops for camp and I stink at shopping so I brought Carissa to help me out.” He waved a pair of flip flops in his spare hand in my direction.

I stared down those flip flops like no one’s business, mainly because making eye contact felt like I wasn’t wearing any pants. It was awful. Embarrassing. Extremely guilt-inducing. The worst part was that as we continued to make small talk about the weather, my new journal, and the next week of camp Carissa would smile so sweetly at me.

It would be easier if she was snobby, bratty, or rude, anything besides being a complete angel. I wanted to find some sort of fault, some sort of reason why I was better for Mongoose than her. I had nothing. Thankfully the agony of that meet up was over and we decided that we might see each other at the fair grounds for the Fourth of July which would be that Monday and which we thankfully had off.

I was shaking walking away. Luckily I was meeting up with some friends later and I knew I would have fun with them. Lena and Elana were really fun to be around and I felt like I hadn’t seen then in a long time. They knew that once camp really started that I would be nonexistent and Lena decided she wanted to go out to dinner before I vanished until school started. Being teenage girls we decided to “dress up.” At that time the store American Eagle was all the rage and so I sorted through my non camp clothes and found the perfect outfit. A denim mini skirt and two tank tops layered; one white and the top one maroon and lacy. I even accessorized with a long silver necklace and silver dangly earrings. I threw on my flip flops and headed over to Elana’s house where we would decide where to go to dinner.

When I got there we finished getting ready by applying eyeliner and lip gloss and finalizing outfit choices.

“So where should we go?” Lena asked.

“Ooo, what about Red Robin? They have something for everyone there,” Elana suggested.

“No, I feel like I go to Red Robin all the time. What about Zesta Cucina?” I mused. I felt like if we were going to dress up we should go somewhere a little more exciting than Red Robin. Zesta Cucina was a local Italian restaurant where you could draw on the tables and eat yummy buttery noodles.

“Oh come on Gina, Red Robin is so good,” They both pleaded. We discussed it a little further but finally I was outnumbered and we were going to Red Robin. Of course I had told them all about the current Mongoose fiasco. I told them about his girlfriend and about how he seemed to like me and how I didn’t know what to do anymore.

“This sounds like a tough situation Gina,” Lena consoled. She was always so sweet and endearing about everything. She was gorgeous as well. Lond dark hair and perfectly tall, she had the sweetest smile, I was so glad she was my friend. We discussed Mongoose in depth on our way to the restaurant, describing what he looked like and all the little things he did. I could tell they liked him already, except for the whole Carissa part.

We pulled into a spot in the parking lot and as we were locking the doors to the car a little red Kia quickly stopped and we heard,

“I can’t believe this!!!”

The words were directed towards us and we were all a little shocked as to who could be yelling at us, I looked up and to my surprise saw Mongoose.

“Uh…wow. This is crazy. Did you just eat? Oh, uh, this is Mongoose,” I threw my words together and gave Lena and Elana the look. It said, This is him. This is Mongoose .I am going to die.

“Actually we were just about to go eat, I was just looking for a spot to park,” He responded.

I couldn’t believe this. It was too weird. Of course it wasn’t just him in the car. Carissa was sitting next to him and there were three unknown people in the backseat.

“Do you want to eat together?” Mongoose asked.

What? Was he serious? He seemed serious? He seemed completely calm about everything and it freaked me out a bit. Of course I wanted to eat with him but this was too weird. I looked to my friends for thoughts on the matter. They smiled and said they would love to. Well that sealed that deal and as he parked we walked into the restaurant.

Lena and Elana gave me glances and we whispered about the whole situation.

“He is definitely cute,” They both decided.

To make things even more interesting once we got inside I realized my entire family was also eating at Red Robin. Thankfully they were already seated and my mom knew not to impose upon my night with my friends. It was still awkward though.

There would be eight of us eating together which was an awkward number, the restaurant was busy but when we finally got a table they placed us in a booth with one chair at the head. We naturally found our spots. I took the single chair and Carissa scooted to the back of one side of the booth with Mongoose following her. Lena and Elana slid in next to Mongoose and the three others took the other side of the booth. They were Carissa’s cousin and her cousin’s boyfriend and the boyfriend’s younger brother.

Surprisingly it didn’t feel that awkward. Mongoose questioned Lena and Elana to learn more about me and we all swapped stories; mainly though, dinner felt like it included only Mongoose, Lena, Elana, and myself. We ordered food and started eating as soon as it arrived. I got my favorite teriyaki burger that had a pineapple inside. I loved it. I was never one of those “girly” eaters. I like food and I like to eat. I don’t order salad to show how delicate I am. Mongoose commented,

“Wow, you can really eat can’t you?!” He seemed surprised by my diving into my hamburger. I just smiled and chewed away.

I glanced towards Carissa who seemed completely ignored at this point. Mongoose was excitedly telling stories and entertaining my friends with his back turned to his girlfriend. She was definitely noticing. At one point he was talking about the adventures of his high school buddies and I saw Carissa put her hand on his and they intertwined fingers for a moment before Mongoose found a way to release the hold in order to emphasis and play out a part of his story. The look on her face was crushing. It might have been what I internalized but I felt awful for her. I would have been crushed if my boyfriend found a way out of holding my hand. But she smiled on and resumed talking to her cousin across the table, seemingly part of a different universe.

It felt like Mongoose’s attention was focused on me and I was fine with that. I thrived on attention and relished in the fact that it felt like he really was choosing me.

There was a moment when we locked eyes and I swear that we were the only two people in that restaurant. It was very West Side Story when Maria and Tony are at the dance hall and everyone else just blurs into oblivion. We were having our own little dinner that night. We feasted on smiles, winks, and giggles.

We ran into each other twice in one day, beyond our own doing. It wasn’t planned and it felt like more than coincidence. Something or what I would realize later, someone was pulling us together.

The drive home from the restaurant with my friends was filled with a lot of “oh my goodness!!” and “I can’t believe….” By far the funniest moment driving home was when I reminded them how weird it all was especially since I had kissed him the night before. Both Lena and Elana started screaming and Lena had to pull to the side of the rode because there was way too much chaos in that moment to be driving.

“YOU WHAT!?!” They screamed in excitement.

“I already told you we kissed,” I confusedly exclaimed. Our voices were raised very high because we were teenage girls who had just spent dinner with a very charming man and our hormones were definitely off balance.

“No. You forgot to leave that detail out,” They both cried. The pleaded for me to tell in detail what exactly had happened the night before and then we sat on the side of the road and analyzed what it all meant.

“Oh…Gina. This is tricky,” Lena thought out loud, “but he is so nice and funny.”

It was finally decided to just see how things went from there. I would be seeing him on Monday at the Fair Grounds for the 4th and I would just have to wait until then to know what was going to happen next.

Click here for Part 8

Monday, May 2, 2011

Love and Hate as of Late

Easter was pretty hilarious this year, it consisted of getting to see my older brother Robert and my husband being convinced to dress up as an easter bunny by my little sisters.

Photobucket

Egg race in the backyard

Photobucket

Then it got dirty. I don't remember exactly what happened but basically the hard boiled eggs started getting thrown at people and then my little brother smashed one over my little sisters head. Well that did not go over well and revenge was taken in the form of flour.

Photobucket

There are a lot of things that I am loving right now. Mainly the sunshine that makes for perfect spring days and the rounding of my belly. There is a certain loss of self that comes with pregnancy. Your body is not entirely your own anymore. You are harboring a precious soul who likes to kick your bladder, rib cage, stomach, etc. I remember always wanting to be pregnant. To look down and see a rountund shape and just feel beautiful creating life. Well turns out that romantic ideal is a bit of a stretch. It is hard to feel beautiful when you feel so big. I remember growing up and just being so petite and tiny. No boobs, no butt, no height. Everyone around me started developing and slowly I did too. Then I swear one day I woke up with a chest and a butt and it was hard to realize that I wasn't the stick I used to be. You change and adapt. Then I grew some more in college because of a lack of exercise and a consumption of ice cream. I didn't gain an abhorrent amount of weight but enough so that the zipper of my designer jeans broke. Ok... so it might have been a bit much...So the point of this montage of my body development is that I am going through another stage. A stage where I know that my body will be different after baby is born. So my conclusion?

I vow to always love the body that my Heavenly Father has given me. I vow that I will strive to keep it healthy in every way that I can. I will not wallow in my imperfections but strive to grow in every moment and find beauty in all things.


Ok. So getting that off my chest I am loving my pink toe nails and the fact that I found some great maternity shirts on sale at Target. I am also loving coconut popsicles and the fact that I got to go swimming on Saturday. In an outdoor pool. Oh yeah.

Things I am not loving:
1. the pain in my breasts. They are bigger, my rib cage is bigger and my bras are no longer cutting it
2. a lingering stuffy nose and cough
3. impending insufferable heat

So this past weekend we took a small family trip to Leavenworth. It is a small Bavarian town in Washington and it was a lot of fun.

They had Justin Beiber cut outs everywhere.

Photobucket

In the infamous Hat shop, this is my husband's little sister who insisted on being photographed a bajillion times : )

Photobucket

I hope you all have a wonderful week!