Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

It has been roughly eight months since I knew you existed. I remember the day I found out. I was working at the temple and was assigned to the Celestial Room. I love that room, it's where I hear Heavenly Father most clearly and where I truly feel he hears me. I was asking him why you hadn't come yet. Why the miscarriage? Why the wait? I was doing everything He had asked me to do. So why no baby? I received personal revelation about what I needed to change in my life and I made a personal covenant to do my best. I had this good feeling and driving home I thought...what if?

I needed to stop at the store anyways so why not pick up a test? Or two? I grabbed some tests and headed home. I was planning on waiting a couple more days to take them but curiosity got the best of me.

I remember seeing the positive sign come up and the spirit rushed into the room. I knew that the revelation I had received, the changes I had promised to make were real and oh how my heart swelled with joy at the thought of you.

I was still scared though. After a miscarriage I lived in a state of fear over you. I didn't want any pictures of my belly for fear of you not making it. So I held off on getting excited. Occasionally I would take a picture or two of my belly but it wasn't until I heard your heartbeat that my own heart was still.

There it was. Thump, thump, thump. You were real and every month I would get so excited to hear your little heart.

When I started to feel you kick I could have lept with joy! It started out as a flutter and now you kick my ribs. Sometimes I complain, but really I don't mind, because it reminds me you are there.

I was scared to talk to you, I think it was a residual fear of losing you, of getting too attached. But I decided living in fear wasn't really helping us bond. There will always be that fear of losing you. But we are connected. My life is your life.

So now I wait. You are supposed to come in about 8 days and I can't wait to see your face. Your eyes, your nose, your ears, your toes, I could go on an on and I know that when I see you. I will know you are mine. I am excited you made it baby. So excited.

Six Years Ago on the 4th of July

My hubby and I solidified our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. So I happen to love the fourth of July because it's kinda special and it is the epitome of summer.

Oh summer you beckon us with your sunshine and popsicles during the cold of the winter. Then we complain about it. Ok maybe you just complain if you are 9 days from your due date and are terribly uncomfortable and just want to meet the little person that is growing inside of you.






My theory was that if the baby came on the 4th it would be a girl. Only a girl would be that sentimental (stereotype much?). So my guess is a boy although that has been my guess all along....

Right. Back to the 4th of July.

Hubby had to work and so I enjoyed the day as much as possible without him. Thankfully he got off in time to make it to the BBQ with us. To be honest I wasn't expecting much from this BBQ. But it delivered.

Bananagrams anyone? FYI that is NOT my husbands beer. That is his sparkly tangerine juice however.

Here is my sparkly mango juice. These are super yummy.

It delivered because of an epic water balloon fight.

So at first I was just photographer of the glory of this battle, but those teens were getting tricky and my mom needed some help tying balloons. So I joined forces with the blue team. Well as most water balloon fights go.....soon hoses and buckets were used because they got you WAY more wet. Since I had charge of the hose I figured I could use that and my pregnancy status to ward off attacks.....It worked for awhile.

Teens have no mercy. Pretty soon I was sprinting away from buckets of water (they spared hitting me with balloons...for the most part). Everyone was surprised with how fast I could run.....Fight or flight man. I am all about flight.

So we got pretty wet. Then we ate dessert soaking in the last few rays of the summer sun.

Our night ended with us driving as fast as we could DURING the fireworks show to get a better view. It all worked out and it was a happy day.

Now the wait for baby continues...

Time goes ticking on...

I am sitting here in my bedroom thinking about life. I find that I have a lot of time on my hands lately to do this. Besides trying to distract myself with minesweeper my mind continually goes back to how I imagine my life being different.

Not different in a my-life-sucks-right-now way but different in the sense of,I want to be better. I want to find more joy in the small and simple things. I want to create beautiful things. I want to surround myself with love and let that love more fully go forth from me.

Maybe it's the fact that my due date is in 14 days and doctor says I am starting to progress (okay it's most likely this) but I know my world is going to change soon. Change for the better. I am really really really anxious about this. I am anxious because I feel joy coming my way. I am trying to soak up these last moments of solitude because I know from now on, my life really is not my own anymore. I will be responsible for someone else and I am more than glad for that. I am excited to stretch my inner being because I know that is what will develop my character.

So the sun is beating in the sky and I will probably return to another game of minesweeper (advanced because I am bomb like that) and be glad that I will be swimming shortly.

Love Story Part 10

I went to my very first concert with him. It was Vans Warped Tour and this year it was stacked with some pretty great bands. Mostly I wasn’t that into punk or rock but I will listen to just about anything given it has a good beat and message. Mongoose was super excited because all of his favorite bands were going to be there: All American Rejects, MXPX, the list goes on. He was definitely the most excited for Fall Out Boy. I was most excited for Offspring. I grew up listening to them and I found out that concerts are infinitely more enjoyable when you can sing along to songs. The tour was at the Gorge which is a beautiful place for music; basically artists play against a backdrop of a river cutting through orange and red rock canyons. It’s inspiring.

I was nervous to be going because we would be carpooling in my mom’s red suburban with a bunch of camp people and a few non camp people, including Carissa. I was nervous driving the red beast to the parking lot of Fred Meyer where we had all decided to meet up. I parked and started calling everyone letting them know exactly where I was. People came out of their cars excited for a fun day in the sun jamming out. Everyone was talking about getting posters and tshirts signed. Mongoose hopped out of Tejas’ car looking the strangest I had ever seen him. Oh boy…I thought….he really has no sense of style does he….

He was trying to look like a conservative rockstar. This meant he had tried to create a Mohawk with that beach blond hair of his. He hadn’t tried very hard because the peak was flopping over and losing its muster already. He wore some plaid yellow shorts which was part of this plaid short/striped shirt uniform that the male head counselors had decided on. He wore an MXPX shirt and….bright yellow wrestling shoes. It looked like a costume and I teased him a bit.

Carissa showed up and I was anxious to be around her. I didn’t want her to hate me and I didn’t know what to expect. She had every right to be standoffish and cold, but surprisingly she was bright and happy and talkative. On our way to the concert we listened to some music and somehow Disney got thrown in the mix. Carissa screamed out that she loved a particular song from the movie Hercules as it came on and I found myself excited to know someone else appreciated it as much as I did. We laughed and sang boisterously. Everything was going to be fine, I realized. This girl was not like the girls in high school I had come to know. She wasn’t jealous or bitter or mean like I was expecting. She contradicted the stereotype of a high school girl with her maturity and sweet heart.

We arrived at the concert and some guy walked up to our group and asked if we would like to hear his cd. Carissa and I looked at each other and agreed. We jammed for a minute and decided we liked his stuff. We bought one cd, cut the costs and she gave me the burnt copy a couple weeks later. Again, I was shocked with how much I liked her. It wasn’t weird or awkward, only if I let it. So I let go as much as possible of my anxious nature and just decided to have fun.

The concert was a blast. I mostly stayed up on the hillside keeping watch over all the goods and relaxing and enjoying the music. The boys of course wanted to go to the mosh pit. They would mosh, crowd surf, come up the hill for water and sit and then do it all over again. It was a wonderful day that ended with a great performance by Fall Out Boy. We all were happy and exhausted. My mom had friends who lived in the town nearby who agreed to let us sleep in their yard which overlooked the Columbia River as well. They were out of town but it was a memorable evening of everyone crashing in their sleeping bags.

We woke up to some automatic sprinklers that were set to go off at 6am. Not really ideal for a bunch of tired teenagers. Someone tied a plastic bag over the one that showered us and we drifted back to sleep. Alarms went off as the reality of our summer jobs set in. We all packed it up in the car and drove back. Back to sleepless nights taking kids to the bathroom, back to chicken nuggets and spaghetti, back to capture the flag and friendship bracelets, back to our reality.

Camp was the greatest. Every day was filled with the same structure but something new was always happening. I would get to spend at least an hour with Mongoose without kids a day, it was always the highlight. We would kiss in the staff lounge, to the misfortune of our coworkers. I am positive it was as awkward as it seems. We would go on walks or take a trip to Silver Beach, the RV park convenience store/restaurant that was about 10 minutes away. We would get a milkshake and sign our camp names into the counter with a sharpie. Our names are still there.

I found out that Mongoose was quite talented on the guitar during the summer. This I learned during staff training but he never ceased to amaze me with the peppy tunes that he came up with. He would sing some songs I knew and sometimes he would just make up funny lyrics. It always melted my heart to hear him play. He wasn’t the most talented singer but what he lacked in voice, he made up for with his smile. His smile radiated from his very being. Even when he wasn’t smiling it seemed like he was. I couldn’t quite figure it out. Why did he always seem so happy?

I mean he didn’t have a perfect life by any means. His family wasn’t very well off, his father struggled in some areas, and so did his mom. When he told me about his childhood, it was infinitely different than mine. He had to grow up at a young age and had to deal with an unruly sister. He had every reason to complain about how hard his life was, but instead he just smiled away being better because of his experiences rather than dwelling in them.

We talked a little about it. He mentioned how his being Mormon helped him immensely. He didn’t always expand on this, but I started to pick it up as our relationship furthered. He had a relationship with God that I envied. It was like he knew Him. He would mention how keeping certain commandments made him stronger instead of making him feel like he was constantly missing out on something.

I was definitely intrigued. I was happy that I had found a boy who treated me with the respect that I knew I deserved. I was even happier that he didn’t party or drink. It relieved me to know that there were boundaries as far as our physical relationship went. Kissing was good and fun, but it stopped there. He had standards similar to my own, but they were rooted in something deeper. I held the same standards but I didn’t always know why. He taught me about my relationship with God in the process of explaining why these standards were important.

Now I am not going to say that I was perfect as a teenager in keeping these standards before I met Mongoose. I certainly had my fair share of feeling like I was making some pretty big mistakes, but I always tried my best. It is so much harder when you don’t surround yourself with those that hold the same standards. I found this out the hard way, but I am grateful that I was always eventually led to those who helped me maintain my standards rather than compromise them further. I was kept safe, but I would definitely have to deal with some guilt later when I realized the impact my mistakes really had on my spirit.

As summer progressed I felt like I had been led to meet Mongoose. He understood me so perfectly and it seemed too odd to me that I could find someone who really saw me. Not just for who I was, but for who I could be. He was a diamond in the rough of the small town I grew up in.

Click here for Part 11

Ten Things Love List

I miss doing these lists. They really help me to see the happy things in my life that I sometimes gloss over because I love focusing on the hairy, yucky things.

1. Baby Shoes
Seriously is there anything more fun to look at than baby shoes? What is it about them that makes your heart go pitter patter? Is it the small proportions? The endless possibilities? The desire to dress babies like adults? I had been oggling this pair at a local bookstore for about 2 months and last week when I went in there was only one pair left. I knew I would regret for the rest of my life not having these.



Oh and then my mother-in-law pulled these beauties out of a bag of the hubby's baby stuff. Yes, those are knitted baby cowboy boots. I about died.




2. Husband's old baby blanket.
The blanket that both shoes are sitting on top of was handmade (same as the cowboy/girl boots) by Kyle's grandma. Actually the blanket might have been his great grandma. Either way I freaked out a little when I saw it because it is the baby blanket of my dreams. Plus it is gender neutral.

3. Prenatal Water Aerobics.
It is starting to get pretty toasty here and my favorite thing is to be in water (friends with pools please invite me over for a swim...) Thankfully my mom discovered a prenatal water aerobics class at a local athletic club. The cost isn't too high and I love moving around in the water. To be honest I used to think water aerobics was for wussies and that you couldn't get a work out. But these teachers know how to work your arms and legs and keep your prego body feeling good.

4. Painting.
So I actually accomplished one of my goals and I painted a picture for our anniversary/father's day. It didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it, but I felt so good getting it done. My mind has another idea for a painting and I am excited to try it out. I think that's where you have to start at least, just with an idea.

5. Pink toenails.
I always get pink toenails when either doing it myself or getting a pedicure. I don't know why but I just love looking down and seeing that happy bright color. Seriously, pink toes rock!

6. Seeing friends who live far away.
My good friend Kristin is on the west coast for a week and the hubs and I are making the trek to ensure that I see her. For some crazy reason she and her husband decided to move to DC (stupid schools) and I haven't seen her in what feels like forever. Although the visit will be short, I am very excited to see her at all!

7. Goodwill stores that carry Target no-sells.
Our local Goodwill gets all the leftover Target clothes and sells them super cheap. I was stoked to find a perfect postpartum dress for nursing and a super cute top all for ten dollars! I was a happy girl.

8. Otter pops/shaved ice.
I love flavored ice. I don't know what it is but even as a little kid sherbert was always my favorite kind of ice cream to get (shout out to rainbow sherbert at B&R!) Whenever my mouth gets dry I run to the freezer and start munching on some otter pops. Last week my little sister treated me to some shaved ice with her lemonade stand money (okay so I might have forced this a bit). I got strawberry colada and she got grapefruit. She didn't like her flavor so we ended up switching and to be honest grapefruit really wasn't that good, but I ate it anyway. So word to the wise, don't get grapefruit flavor.

9. Makeup samples.
My mom has a lot of makeup samples around the house and it is fun to try new products without the price commitment. I love that I found this shimmer tinted moisturizer from Clinique that gives me a summer glow.

10. Summer is officially here!
It is my favorite time of the year and it means that baby is going to be here soon! Each day is filled with nerves/anticipation/excitement/what the heck am I going to do? I think having a baby is going to be pretty rad and my goal is to laugh at myself as much as possible instead of getting frustrated.

Two years...since the start of forever.

You know it's going to be a good day when your day starts off with this:



That is my baby sister who had a dance recital this past weekend. She is in hip hop and she has moves....clearly.

It was also our two year anniversary weekend and watching my little sister dance was just the beginning. After watching her we jetted up to Seattle for some fun because let's be honest, where we live does not have a whole lot to do. Seriously someone asked me once what they should do when visiting and all I could come up with was playing tennis. That's fine if you like tennis (which I do) but being 8 months along I can't really chase after that darn neon ball (just imagine it).

My husband had never been to the Pacific Science Center, strange since he is the nerdiest science boy in the universe (he thinks jokes about ions are hilarious). So we decided that we would visit. We had a blast running around with all the little kids.



They had a special exhibit about fear. They nailed my biggest fear.



They had this contraption that replicated the fear of falling. Obviously they wouldn't strap me to it, but Kyle gave it a whirl and they have a camera filming your reaction. He was trying to be all cool and then his face contorted to the funniest expression as he anticipated the end of the fall. It was hilarious.



After the Science trip we headed over to West Seattle for dinner at Salty's a waterfront seafood restaurant. It was delicious and beautiful and since we had had a big lunch we took our time eating and just talked. We talked about our favorite memories from the past year and what differences we saw from year one to year two. I think it will be our new tradition, it really helped us to see how much growth we have gone through and how we have been truly blessed. Seriously, it's been a good two years.

before dinner:



Once dinner was done we drove down the street to Alki beach. It's the greatest place and if I was forced to live in Seattle in the future I would make sure that I lived in West Seattle as close as possible to this place. We walked along the boardwalk and enjoyed the beautiful sunset and Kyle skipped rocks.





We had a wonderful Sunday where we lucked out by being present for a family friend's baby blessing. We saw some friends we missed dearly and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine. Afterwards we drove halfway home and stopped in Suncadia (a beautiful resort that my aunt has a condo at and awesomely lets us use). We enjoyed a night to ourselves without interruption and went on a little hike the next day. It was the perfect end to the best two years of my life.





I am so lucky to be married to this man. I could get all gushy and explain everything I love about him, but I will spare you and just say that Heavenly Father knows me so well in sending me this wonderful man. He compliments me so perfectly and makes me the happiest girl in the whole wide world.

Love Story Part 9

The summer of 2005 can be described in one word: magical. Once Mongoose and I were officially dating we pretty much couldn’t get enough of each other. Not just in that lovesick puppy dog love but we really just enjoyed being around each other. We found that we both had a quirky and cheesy sense of humor and found ourselves laughing constantly.

Our time working up at camp was to be honest, distracted. We lived in another world up at camp as it was and we got to see each other often. It was also beneficial that we were working because we got to see how each other worked with kids. That’s one thing that I realized was really important to me up there. I saw the way he treated kids, he looked at them in the eyes and listened to their goofiness and played along with it. He pretty much turned into a little kid.

My deep desire to be a mother was so pleased with this. I am a girl with “daddy issues” you could say. I love my dad and he has been a great provider but as far deep interactions I was sorely lacking and I always wished better for my own kids. Yes, even at sixteen I was thinking about my future family. Maybe it is because I am a girl or maybe it is because it is such a part of who I am as a person. My mind prepares for the future.

But besides being delighted with his interactive skills with children we got to know each other really well on the weekends as we would stay up late and talk about everything. I found him so easy to talk to. He listened to me and with the wild abandon of a first love I spilled everything to him without trying to “protect” myself. I find that comes after you have been hurt even by someone who supposedly “loves” you. So far I hadn’t had that experience so I just let my thoughts flow out.

We talked about our families and what it was like growing up, we talked about previous relationships and why they didn’t work out, we talked about our dreams and opinions. This guy was so different from other high school guys. He cared about what I had to say and actually valued my intelligence. I found myself growing closer and closer to him as I shared more and more of who I truly was.

Weekends also involved going to town and running around with other camp friends. One night Mongoose, Smalls, and I headed over to my parent’s home for some dinner. This was the first time Mongoose would be meeting my family and the first time I was letting my family meet a boy I was dating. I was proud of this boy and knew that he would do just fine. We got to my house and headed to the backyard which is where everyone always is, enjoying the sunshine. Some of my siblings were playing badminton and my mom was sitting on her swing reading a book. After some introductions my mom decided on getting some Thai food for dinner. I grew up eating Thai food and loved it, Mongoose and Smalls had never even had it.

“Wait so what are we eating?”

“Thai. It’s food from Thailand, like tofu, noodles, rice and stuff. It’s really yummy.”

They both gave me a worried expression. These were meat and potato boys and I think the word tofu kind of freaked them out a bit.

While my mom ran inside to place the order over the phone, Mongoose decided to try out my brother’s skateboard. He stood on top and pushed himself forward with his right food and then realized that his balance was off and the skateboard was ahead of him. Like any normal person would he jumped off and let the board go skating ahead of him. Unfortunately the force he pushed himself with was pretty strong and he had chosen a direction that sent the skateboard directly into one of my mother’s flower pots.

It shattered and soil burst forth covered a section of the patio. He turned bright red and immediately started apologizing. Smalls and I were both laughing hysterically and some of my sibling ran over to where all the excitement was.
“Don’t worry,” I explained, “My mom won’t care at all. It’s not a big deal.”
He didn’t seem to believe me. I don’t think he actually thought my mother would be upset about a broken flower pot but it was the fact that this was his first time meeting her and he obviously wanted to make a good impression. This was not the way he had imagined things going.

My mom had heard the shatter and came outside to make sure everything was alright. She smiled and laughed and told him not to worry. We all picked up the dirt and replanted the flowers in another pot. My mom left to go pick up the food and we started a game of badminton. One of my older brother’s happened to be home for the weekend from some summer courses at UW and I was most worried about them getting along.

I desperately wanted my brothers to like Mongoose. They gave me no insight as to whether they approved or not, and they weren’t ever going to. Not verbally at least, because we are not a “touchy-feely” family and we don’t really talk about our relationships.

Food arrived and we explained to Smalls and Mongoose how to eat everything and what to try. They both looked incredibly skeptical but obviously wanted to be polite and started munching away.

“WHOA! This is good!” I started to hear them say in between bites.
“I told you so.” I gave Mongoose a smile and we all enjoyed our meal.
Meeting Mongoose’s family was definitely a different experience. It was late after a Friday night up at camp and we had headed back into town. Mongoose’s father was picking up the boys and us girls were going elsewhere. On the way down, Tejas tried to give me advice on how to greet Mongoose’s father.

“Dude, you gotta flip him off! He will love it.”

Mongoose laughed and tried to explain that Tejas was being serious.

“Um….I don’t think so. Even if he does like it I don’t really like flipping people off, especially when I first meet them….” I tried to counter back.

“No seriously Gidget, he will love you so much if you do.” Tejas was unrelenting.

I did not flip Mongoose’s father off, although I did have a serious internal debate about whether or not I should. I decided that ultimately he would still like me if I didn’t and that I didn’t want to risk him thinking I was some crazy girl.

I think his dad was a little disappointed to learn that I knew it was ok to flip him off and chose not to, but he just laughed and told me I looked like a little garden gnome.

I don’t know where he sees garden gnomes but I have never seen one that remotely resembles me. This nickname stuck however, and I was referred to for a very long time as “the gnome.”

I met his mother at another pick up time when she was dropping him off after attending church. She smiled and said hello and Mongoose jumped into my car and we drove away to try to make it up to camp in time for our staff meeting. There wasn’t time to talk.

Summer started to roll by and we continued to talk and kiss and kiss a little more. Man, I could not get enough of his kisses. He couldn’t get enough of mine either. During mealtimes he would wander in the kitchen to get an extra helping and I would also decide to get more rolls or bacon or something and somehow we both found a way to make it into the walk-in refrigerator, close the door and steal a few kisses. Sometimes we would even go into the freezer portion. It was so fun and exciting being surround by freezing cold and kissing his warm lips. We only got caught doing this once, most of the other staff was pretty oblivious or knew what we were up to and didn’t seem to care. But I felt like a secret spy and it made our relationship exciting and full of sparks.

I continued to feel that chemistry that came when he bandaged my finger and I as much as it scared me, I was a comfort at the same time. I knew that the feelings inside me were good and they made me the happiest I had ever been in my life.

Click here for Part 10