Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Special Places.

I grow attached to certain places. Places where important things happened, where I grew the most, places that strengthened my heart. Hood Canal is one of those places.

Having a miscarriage before having Max did a number on me. But then my Aunt invited Kyle and I to a weekend at Hood Canal. She fed me good food, took me intertubing, we soaked up the sunshine and ate s'mores while watching the sunset. It was a turning point for me. I hadn't truly smiled in a long time and how can you not smile while speedily being pulled by a boat. You can't.

 We didn't go last summer because I was pregnant but you bet we took up the opportunity to go this summer with Max. It was wonderful throwing rocks into the water with Max and watching him play in the sun.

These special places we hold in our heart, they don't always stay the same but there is always that rush of emotion when you approach. When your heart starts beating and precious moments flash within your mind. That growth, that healing kinda takes place all over again. Maybe that's what makes them so special.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

How do you measure a year?

The first night after Max's birth I didn't want to put him in the plastic box bed. It seemed too hard, too cold for one's first night on earth. He did spend some time there but he also spent a lot of time in our arms, causing little sleep to take place. 

I love that memory. Of him wrapped up in my arms, so small with that quick heartbeat.

He is no longer that itty bitty baby wrapped up. He moves with lightening speed now but he still likes a good cuddle.

This year has been measured not so much in minutes, but in giggles, the pitter-patter of feet, drool (lots and lots of drool), four teeth, digested woodchips, purees, chubby legs, sleepy or shy snuggles, blue eyes and the sweetest of memories.

It's been a good year.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

There cannot be any more?

"...many of the Gentiles shall say: A Bible! A Bible! We have got a Bible, and there cannot be any more Bible." 2 Nephi 29:3

I was studying this verse in the Book of Mormon, which prophesies of the rejection of the Book of Mormon in our day and my mind started diving into the reasoning of why it would be rejected. Why would they believe there cannot be any more?

In my experience, the Book of Mormon has added clarity, insight, understanding, and testimony to my knowledge of the Bible. It has enriched my life greatly, bringing greater joy.

But with additional understanding and knowledge comes greater responsibility. Spritually speaking we feel a greater commitment to be true and faithful in all that we do as we come to greater understanding of our Heavenly Father's will for us here on earth. More responsibility is often not seen as a positive thing. Media portrays the ideal life as one of an almost nomad, free from most everyday cares, able to fly to Europe on a whim, buy that house and deal with the consequences later. Responsibility is often forgotten or set aside for the greater good of "experience." But who said you can't experience while being responsible?

Alongside responisibility being portrayed as a ball and chain,  it makes our life feel harder, increasingly difficult as more is added on. We feel accountable to God when we not just learn, but understand a new commandment. The stakes are high.

So why not just live with the minimum, then we don't disappoint God or ourselves. No guilt.  The risk to know more, to add on responsibility can feel increadibly high in the scheme of eternal salvation. So we say, we've got responsibility/knowledge/enough.

On the flip side, what is the benefit of more responsibility? Is there any?

Of course there is, but it comes after trial and getting a grip on coping with that new responsibility. The benefit is greater joy, increased knowledge, better understanding of a myriad of things.

The Book of Mormon is one example of this, within its pages is knowledge that some would definitely define as more commandments to be responsible towards.  But that knowledge also enlarges the mind, body and spirit. For me personally, it has brought peace, comfort, and an increased understanding of God's love not only for me but for all of His children.

Lately I have been grappling with the question of when to started expanding our family. Max will be turning one in 5 days and Kyle and I have discussed the possibility of adding on. Kyle is ready. I have had reservations. Not only am I the one who has to carry the child within me for nine months, I also have to deliver the child and then care for two children under the age of  two and a half. It did not sound all that exciting for me. In fact it sounded scary. Learning to be a mother of one child is difficult enough, but two? I just didn't know if I was ready yet.

Then I read that scripture about those who said that the Bible was enough and I started thinking about the reasoning and came to the conclusion that yes, the added responsibility is scary and hard. But remember the greater understanding of Heavenly Father's will and love and plan? Having receive some of that through having one child, I can only imagine what another could teach me.

And the joy! The greater joy! I remember the joy of having Max in my arms those first few minutes and I know that another baby could increase that.

It takes a leap of faith in making all decisions, do we have enough to trust that God has more for us?