I have sunk into my burrow for a little while, sorry for my absence. January 20th was the 6th month anniversary of James' stillbirth and I saw it approaching and my mind started racing and starting filling with darkness all over again and it didn't help that I was in a new place with few people who knew my circumstance and I was literally sick and I felt overwhelmed with moving and overwhelmed with a complete climate shift.
While many of you were suffering climate inversions, mentally I was with you. It was beautiful and sunny outside and there I was, lying on the couch trying to keep my toddler entertained enough to let me lie down. I felt cold and dark and I entered into a whole new form of bitterness. Slowly I crawled and grasped and fought my way back up that mountain to where I knew my internal sunshine was. So no worries, I am feeling better now.
I am learning to be honest with myself. To recognize my needs and to make sure that I am not putting undue pressure on myself. Usually this involves social or familial situations. At my best I talk it over with Kyle and we make a game plan for the events of the next day and I make sure that if it will cause unnecessary stress then I figure out another option that leaves me feeling like I have an escape.
I am being honest with my needs, when I need rest, when I need pampering, when I need space, when I need takeout. It has felt good and I have felt a sort of euphoric freedom from just saying, Nope actually that doesn't work for me.
The flip side of course is that honesty also involves not knowing when you are taking advantage of the need to self-serve. I mean of course I pretty much always prefer to eat out rather than cook and you cannot always avoid what is hard simply because it doesn't work for you. So included in this honesty vow to myself (completely informal and making it up as a I go), I make sure that I am honest about when I actually do need to stretch myself and when I do need to suck it up. Basically it requires taking in where I am at mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually for every unique situation. Sometimes I opt out and sometimes I put one foot in front of the other and promise myself ice cream as a reward (incentives!).
So in this path to healing, I am being honest and focusing on what my body needs to grow. Sometimes it is burrowing and sometimes it is saying yes to go to the park or to join a preschool group when I know ONE person there. It is recognizing selfishness for what it is and leaning away from it while still taking care of myself.