There is a haze over the valley; the state is on fire and the smoke has nestled into the hills, muddying the horizon. There are no clouds, but the sky isn't blue either.
My mind feels perfectly matched to the scenery outside. Maybe it's the move or it's the baby who isn't sleeping through the night, the still packed boxes stacked in the living room or the fact that I haven't been able to exercise in a month. Most likely it is a mix of everything.
In the middle of feeling stuck in a haze I was scrolling through instagram and came across this quote,
"Your story, that story that keep replaying, the interaction of your expectations and what happens, the narrative, the disappointments and the way you process it...
It's all invented.
Ambien, the popular sleep aid, doesn't actually help people sleep much more (in one study, it boosted sleep by 18 minutes a night). No, the reason it works is that it's an amnesiac.
Ambien makes you forget that you didn't get a good night's sleep.
Because a huge side effect of sleeplessness is the invented story we tell ourselves about how tired we are. Ambien doesn't help us sleep, it just destroys the negative story about not sleeping.
It's all invented. It's still real, the pain is real, the frustration is real, but the story that's causing it all is something we made up, and something we can change. The pain is real, and so is a path to changing it."
It is from a book called, "What To Do When It's Your Turn (And It's Always Your Turn)" by Seth Godin. The quote spoke clarity to my mind and funny enough I realized I owned the book and it was sitting on the top of that stack of unpacked boxes.
The story of how that book ended up right there is kind of funny, especially considering I hadn't even read a single page of it yet.
My husband rode to a church activity two months ago with a friend from church. As they carpooled our friend mentioned that he had bought too many copies of a new book he had been excited to read. He told Kyle a little bit about the book (nothing that he remembers...) and asked if he would want a copy. Kyle had no reason to decline a free book so he accepted a copy and brought it home. This is not a normal looking book. It kinda looks like a really fancy magazine or a really skinny coffee table book. Either way I flipped through it when he tossed it my way after coming home and then set it on our side table and didn't think much of it until I had to read it through instagram.
I worked my way through the book the next two days and it was exactly what I needed to read and hear.
I smiled at the wonderfulness of it, the grace of it. I suppose I could chalk it up to happy circumstance, just be grateful for the occurrence.
I don't want to do that.
There was a time in my life where every little happy thing that happened was just that, a happy thing. Nothing more, nothing special.
But not now, now I see God reaching out to me in so many different ways. At first I only saw what was right in front of me, what was obvious. I only saw what felt deserved.
Now, I see Him blessing my life and speaking to me in the smallest of ways, but ways that make a big difference in my life.
Through a book in the right place at the right time, through the affection of my children, through the words of family and friends; I hear and see Him aware of me and my needs.
His awareness of me (of US!) reminds me of His love. His goodness reminds me that He will not leave me helpless, His arms are outstretched and where we might not have faith in ourselves, He has faith in us.
He always has faith in us.
