Then it was Thanksgiving and I had to deal with the mental hardship of going home for the holidays. It always seems to be a good idea but then I get there and realize it is exhausting on my part. I always wonder if that exhaustion is preventable and so while I am there I try all sorts of experiments like drowning myself in a book or trying not to care too much how things turn out.
Basically life has been kind of like a roller coaster lately, except a mirror fun house is probably more accurate. A roller coaster is full of ups and downs and really isn't all of it sort of thrilling? The suspense of the fall, the fast turns and even the flips upside down can be sort of exhilarating, if not in a jarring manner. But imagine a room full of crazy mirrors. You know the ones that are all disjointed and emphasize some part of yourself that makes you groan or giggle.
That is my life lately. I feel as if I keep noticing these enlarged weaknesses around me and the mirror just blows them up into epic proportions. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes it seems just so overwhelming that I collapse and then turn to another mirror that focuses on something else.
But every now and then I catch a glimpse in a regular mirror. No distortions, no funny engorged body parts or super long legs. Just reality. Sometimes I like what I see, sometimes reality can be just as jarring as the crazy mirrors. How sweet it is though, when you see yourself for who you truly are.
Those crazy images can stick in your mind and alter your perception of yourself, but you have to focus and remember the images you like.
Like the other week when Max and I shared a clementine. He was sitting on the table and we peeled it together and separated each slice. He would feed me and I would feed him and it made us laugh. It was simple but I saw a glimpse of myself in that moment and I liked who I was.
I have been looking for that
I see her a lot more than I suspected. She is there to tickle necks of sore throats and she is there reading "Anne of green gables" for the first time (I know...I can hardly believe it either) and smiling all the while.
She is finding herself more and more as a mother and as a wife and ultimately as woman. She also has a knack for speaking in third person.
I still see those fun house mirrors around me but I understand that the parts of me they are stretching and enlarging is just that---they are enlarged only in my perception. Reality is that they are there, but they are in their proper size and in proportion to everything else.
And I can definitely handle that.