My resolution this year is one word: Happiness
It's not that I haven't been happy this past year, but truth be told, I feel as if I have been robbing myself of true happiness.
There are things I have neglected, things I have regretted, there have been a lot of emotional roller coasters I have forced Kyle and Max on and at the end of it all, I looked back and I saw a lot of good but I also saw a lot of room for improvement.
Mainly in just letting myself BE happy.
I rob myself of it through comparison, through guilt, through feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, of being forgotten. Basically, I have let the actions (or inaction) of others and conditions beyond my control determine my mood.
Honestly I have no idea where it came from either.
I like to pride myself on my enthusiasm, my optimism, my ability to take a situation and find the good in it but I have let that talent/skill/characteristic slip from my grasp. I have gone over it in my head a thousand times how it slipped away. I have pondered and returned to memories where instead of a sunny disposition, I chose a dark and gloomy one.
Perhaps it is just the weight of motherhood, of graduate school financial insecurity, of try to keep up appearances but where ever it stems from, it is over.
I choose happiness.
It is a choice you make, an attitude to grasp, an outlook that is determined by small actions and thoughts throughout your day.
You connect and commune with God
You connect and commune with family
You reach out to friend in love and service and companionship
You find the little things that make hard times bearable
You rejoice in small feats like choosing to pick up the toys scattered around, making a delicious lunch, putting in a good workout and crossing off something from that long to-do list
You acknowledge negative thoughts of doubt, guilt, and selfishness. You recognize their necessity in your life to push you forward to be better, stronger, kinder, more thoughtful, but you do not dwell. You do not wallow in them and let them consume your spirit until you feel that is all you are.
You realize your potential as a child of God to do marvelous things even though it is hard and it is new.
You choose to see yourself as God sees you, and I FIRMLY believe that God sees us as happy. He sees us a midst the good and bad of life always able to find the happiness in it all.
So I am starting my year trying my hardest to put God, family, and happiness first. Though I know that true happiness will come naturally as I focus on the first two.