This past week was spent returning to my home state, relishing in the evergreens and connection that I feel in Washington.
Idaho has proved to be a hard adjustment for me, mainly because it is such a temporary arrangement and I just miss my friends. I miss connecting and talking and gaining inspiration from the many diverse mothers that I know that expand my mind and have helped me to be a better mother, wife, friend.
Two days before we were supposed to leave I was talking to my mom and just broke down on the phone, it was unexpected but I recognized immediately that I just missed people, I missed my people, my friends and family. So when I finally touched down in Seattle and set up a few visits with friends I hadn't seen in awhile I TALKED and TALKED and got five months worth of conversations squeezed out into an hour or two. But it felt good and I felt so thankful for friends who understand that I can be an incessant talker that goes on wild tangents and often loses her train of thought or purpose of thought....
Uncle Robbie and Max= Twins
Just being with them and feeling their love for me and my family rejuvenated my spirits and reminded me that no matter how far away I am from them, those connections are always there.
Our March for Babies walk was on Saturday and I had wonderful friends who showed up and I was SO glad to see them and I was just so glad to walk in the beautiful sunshine with them and talk out my feelings ALL over again with a new set of friends and then eat sno-cones and pizza and cheese zombies (a local elementary school delicacy of processed cheese baked between homemade bread....kinda like a grilled cheese but not grilled). The event was wonderful and I reached my personal goal with some cash donations and our team did wonderfully!
It felt so good to do something positive in memory of James and I want to thank everyone once again from the bottom of my heart for donating and supporting my effort to help others in his memory.
Our original purpose in visiting Washington was to see my ObGyn and get my 20 week ultrasound, yes the one where you find out the gender. Typically we opt out of finding out the gender, no real reason other than we didn't mind waiting and kinda liked the surprise. But I hated that I hadn't known all that time I carried James, it feels like I missed out on prime bonding time and so we decided to find out for baby #3.
The only stipulation was that I had to wait to find out until I could be with Kyle, it was my main birthday present to him and so the technician wrote it down in an envelope and I carried it in my purse to be opened once we were reunited.
Baby Boy Prescott #3 comes early September!
I am overjoyed it is a boy, I thought he was a girl but I knew that because I thought that, it would be a boy because that was how I was with both Max and James. I am overjoyed that Max will have a living brother close in age, this was one of my regrets in losing James and to be having this new baby boy is a definite highlight.
Now I want to be very clear that this baby is NOT replacing James in ANY way. I will always hold firm in my belief that James was and is his own person. This new baby is also a new person, unique and special with his own spirit. Every now and then, I will have a well-meaning acquaintance say something like, "now Max will have a sibling!" or something along those lines and I want to be clear that he already DOES have a sibling. I don't get upset or angry when people say this, I have learned that stillbirth is uncharted territory for so many people and most people just don't know what to say or do. I have learned to believe that people always mean well and if there was folly on their part, it is just because they aren't thinking clearly (wether through absence of understanding or nervousness that they will say the wrong thing).
All this to say, that although James cannot be physically seen with the eyes, I believe in all sincerity of my heart that his spirit is with us often and he will always act as a guardian angel for our family. I think of him constantly, sometimes in sadness and sometimes reflecting on effect he has had on our lives for good, and that makes me happy. Most often, I just think of what it would be like in small moments if he were there. He blends in seamlessly into my everyday life, an invisible angel on my hip, crawling and clapping along. Smiling and giggling on my lap taking part in the memories we are making as a family. His spirit is inseparably intertwined in our lives and I know that it will continue that way as I choose to make it so.
We are grateful for this new life that will be joining our family and I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ for providing me with the tools to better understand and cope with this unexpected journey we are on. My faith in Christ is what allows me to know that James is with me, that he can be a part of my life and most importantly, that joy and happiness is still possible.
Now more than ever have I come to realize how important family is to me and how friends have become family. The connections we make on this earth are what bind us in love and understanding. As we strive to connect and talk and share our perspectives and ideas and be open to those different ideas, we can all benefit in understanding and in joy.
p.s. We have a few names in mind but I am always open to suggestions!