Thursday, May 15, 2014

On Faith and Fear

My due date is September 11th, which when I first heard caused major eye-rolling. Of course it would be one of the saddest days in American history. I thought about it for a moment and thought deep and hard about whether this was some sort of sign that bode bad news ahead and decided it was a silly thought.

On the flip side, it is also my mother's birthday. So when people ask and I tell them mainly to gauge their reaction on whether or not I should see it as a bad omen I quickly interject afterwards that I am trying to focus on the positive aspect of it being a happy day too for our family. Because as I wrote previously, my mom is awesome.

Pregnancy after loss is a constant battle of trying to stay optimistic for me. Past experience tells me to be careful with my heart, to guard it keep away anything that could cause pain in the future if this doesn't work out again. Don't even THINK about buying baby clothes, it tells me. A baby shower? You are openly going to receive things that you will just have to pack away never to be used? It reasons. It tries scare tactics and the more I read about other people's experiences the more nervous I get because sometimes things aren't all rainbows and butterflies after a loss.

But I also feel that if I don't prepare, if I don't show all signs of hope for a good future that I will regret not having that hope whether this turns out the way I want or not. So I am ignoring the fear and choosing faith. I am choosing to hope and have joy NOW instead of holding my breath. Because, if there is one thing I have learned over the past year it is that you do not waste any moments to have gratitude and joy. I try to be conscious of the moments that are good, even in my circumstances. I focus on gratitude for being able to be pregnant again and I focus on gratitude for the beautiful living child that I have and I focus on gratitude for a kind, understanding husband and I focus and I bring myself to awareness of all the good that surrounds me.

I am pretty sure Satan wants to rob me of any and all joy and live in a hole fearful of all that could happen and for me choosing to live that way is misery. When I choose faith in a loving Heavenly Father, faith that whatever is ahead of me will be for my good, I feel peace and yes, I feel joy too.

So this baby's due date is September 11th and I will ALWAYS interject that it is my mother's birthday because that is one small way I am choosing faith, being aware of the sadness that has occurred but focusing on the joy that I know that I grew up knowing that day to be.

Plus, how many babies are actually born on their due date?

*Pictures are from a hike up to Balanced Rock in Idaho. For size reference, if Kyle was standing at the base of where the balancing starts he would be as tall as that white line about halfway up. Needless to say, it's a pretty big rock to be balancing so precariously.

1 comment:

  1. Great post Gina. I think about this a lot... its so hard to fight that instinct to protect your heart, to doubt anything good and plan to be thrilled when things work out. But that is definitely not faith, not hope. How tricky of Satan to use that against us.