I am at a loss for words currently. I keep rewriting this post thinking it will become what I want it to be but can't quite express.
I have a hesitancy to get too personal on blogs.
But I will just come out and say it and then maybe my postings will become more regular again (crossing fingers)
I have tried to find a beautiful, witty, intelligent way to say it so that everyone can be completely inspired and overjoyed by my life. But let's face it. I am not an eloquent person. Mostly I'm pretty blunt. Sometimes I have horrible cases of word vomit where I spew ugly things at people I love....or hardly know.
But I will just say it.
I am overjoyed and extremely anxious with this pregnancy. Everyday I keep expecting something bad to come up. I have built a wall around my heart so that it wont get hurt again. But everything has been normal and two weeks ago we were able to hear the thumping of a little heart. I felt like crying but I hate crying in front of people I don't know so I held back the tears. My heart cried though. It swelled a little too.
But I am still anxious. I keep thinking... it can still happen. I can still miscarry.
So I pray everyday and thank my Heavenly Father for what He has given me. It calms my heart, eases my mind and I slowly allow myself to daydream about my child.
I have so many dreams for the future. So many hopes for my family.
I want to live in the country in a beautiful rickity white house with plenty of wide open spaces. I want a garden. I want chickens. I really want a pony (part of me is still 5 years old ok). In all seriousness though. I want to raise my children in a place where they can explore nature and get to know the world in a way that is beyond tv and video games and more about frogs and climbing trees.
I want to have a sun room with a big comfy couch in it for me to read in the morning and all through the day if I please.
I want windows that let in the suns rays.
I want a bright kitchen and fresh fruit for breakfast every morning.
Ok. So I might want the life of someone living in the 1940s but I believe that that existence is still real and possible. I don't want my children to get too bogged down in technology. I want them to write on paper and not just on a computer. I want them to share bedrooms and become best friends. I want a fireplace and maybe a cow (I can handle it. I worked on a dairy farm).
This post is a little uncontrolled. I little of this and a little of that. This is how my mind works and I hope you don't mind but I think it is all beautifully connected. I want to give my family the world and enjoy living life simply. I find comfort in the words of my Heavenly Father and all he has done for the examples who have gone before me in the scriptures. I know that ultimately Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and slowly I am coming to find out what that means for me personally and the world globally.
For now I will get some rest. I will put a pillow between my knees so I don't wake up with geriatric hips in the morning. I will hold my belly which is slowly growing and I pray will continue to grow.
I know that through our Savior all things are possible. I was brought closer to Him through my miscarriage and am growing more and more through this pregnancy as I learn to trust Him. Trust His love. Trust my Heavenly Father's plan for me.