Thursday, July 7, 2011
It has been roughly eight months since I knew you existed. I remember the day I found out. I was working at the temple and was assigned to the Celestial Room. I love that room, it's where I hear Heavenly Father most clearly and where I truly feel he hears me. I was asking him why you hadn't come yet. Why the miscarriage? Why the wait? I was doing everything He had asked me to do. So why no baby? I received personal revelation about what I needed to change in my life and I made a personal covenant to do my best. I had this good feeling and driving home I thought...what if?
I needed to stop at the store anyways so why not pick up a test? Or two? I grabbed some tests and headed home. I was planning on waiting a couple more days to take them but curiosity got the best of me.
I remember seeing the positive sign come up and the spirit rushed into the room. I knew that the revelation I had received, the changes I had promised to make were real and oh how my heart swelled with joy at the thought of you.
I was still scared though. After a miscarriage I lived in a state of fear over you. I didn't want any pictures of my belly for fear of you not making it. So I held off on getting excited. Occasionally I would take a picture or two of my belly but it wasn't until I heard your heartbeat that my own heart was still.
There it was. Thump, thump, thump. You were real and every month I would get so excited to hear your little heart.
When I started to feel you kick I could have lept with joy! It started out as a flutter and now you kick my ribs. Sometimes I complain, but really I don't mind, because it reminds me you are there.
I was scared to talk to you, I think it was a residual fear of losing you, of getting too attached. But I decided living in fear wasn't really helping us bond. There will always be that fear of losing you. But we are connected. My life is your life.
So now I wait. You are supposed to come in about 8 days and I can't wait to see your face. Your eyes, your nose, your ears, your toes, I could go on an on and I know that when I see you. I will know you are mine. I am excited you made it baby. So excited.