Swoon with me

Maxwell is officially 18 months old.

It is bittersweet as I watch him explore and learn more and more and try to converse with me and with others. I grasp at every moment where he surprises me with reminders of how small he still is. The other day we had a few errands that wounded up interrupting his nap time, I tried to put him down like usual but his routine was shot and he was having none of it. So I brought him to me and turned on one of my boring BBC shows and he was out pretty quickly.

Those moments are few and far between and they make me swoon all over again for this precious child.

Today was his first day going into nursery at church (Nursery is the younges "class" for the children starting at 18 months until 3 years and then they are in a more formal class setting). He did superb and the teachers said they wouldn't have known it was his first time otherwise. I know he was just chumming it up with friends and relishing in snacktime.

Some fun stories about Max:

-each morning we bring him into bed with us when he wakes up and he starts the day by reminding us where each of our noses are, our eyes, ears, hair, mouth, cheeks, and chin. It sounds like this, "There's your eye, there's your nose..." We keep adding body parts each morning.

-He loves Goodnight Moon and My World which are sister books. He will grab them off the shelf and stare at the pictures all by himself.

-Any vehicle on wheels is a chhoo chhoo (It started by reading his train book) and he is persistent when we try to correct him with the word "car" or "truck."

-He holds his lightsaber toy upside down and treats it like a vaccum.

-He calls snow, "nosh."

-He can and will seat drop on a 1-2-3 command.

-He will play farkle by himself for a good twenty minutes if you let him.

-When he plays the piano and finds the beat button his starts to kick his left leg to the side with the beat

-He must sit dead center in your lap

-If you ask him, "where's mama?" in a slightly panicked voice he bends his knees low and shuffles his feet really quiet to try to find me, in case I attack him.

-I taught him the sign for cracker which in hindsight might have been a mistake because now all he wants are crackers.

-If there is a treat he really wants (i.e. he found a reeses), he will bring it to you and say thank you so matter of factly that it sounds like he is trying to trick you into giving it to him.

Allright. Enough of that. Unless you want more. Then let me know.

happiness

My resolution this year is one word: Happiness

It's not that I haven't been happy  this past year, but truth be told, I feel as if I have been robbing myself of true happiness. 

There are things I have neglected, things I have regretted, there have been a lot of emotional roller coasters I have forced Kyle and Max on and at the end of it all, I looked back and I saw a lot of good but I also saw a lot of room for improvement. 

Mainly in just letting myself BE happy.

I rob myself of it through comparison, through guilt, through feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, of being forgotten. Basically, I have let the actions (or inaction) of others and conditions beyond my control determine my mood. 

Honestly I have no idea where it came from either. 

I like to pride myself on my enthusiasm, my optimism, my ability to take a situation and find the good in it but I have let that talent/skill/characteristic slip from my grasp. I have gone over it in my head a thousand times how it slipped away. I have pondered and returned to memories where instead of a sunny disposition, I chose a dark and gloomy one.

Perhaps it is just the weight of motherhood, of graduate school financial insecurity, of try to keep up appearances but where ever it stems from, it is over.

I choose happiness.

It is a choice you make, an attitude to grasp, an outlook that is determined by small actions and thoughts throughout your day.

You connect and commune with God

You connect and commune with family

You reach out to friend in love and service and companionship

You find the little things that make hard times bearable

You rejoice in small feats like choosing to pick up the toys scattered around, making a delicious lunch, putting in a good workout and crossing off something from that long to-do list

You acknowledge negative thoughts of doubt, guilt, and selfishness. You recognize their necessity in your life to push you forward to be better, stronger, kinder, more thoughtful, but you do not dwell. You do not wallow in them and let them consume your spirit until you feel that is all you are. 

You realize your potential as a child of God to do marvelous things even though it is hard and it is new. 

You choose to see yourself as God sees you, and I FIRMLY believe that God sees us as happy. He sees us a midst the good and bad of life always able to find the happiness in it all.

So I am starting my year trying my hardest to put God, family, and happiness first. Though I know that true happiness will come naturally as I focus on the first two.

Glimpses

It has been a couple of weeks since I last wrote anything. Lots of things have been going on, my grandfather finally passed away probably being one of the most notable. He suffered from ALS for four years and I was so happy to hear he had finally passed. But isn't it sort of strange to be happy that a person has died? So there I was happy but sad.

Then it was Thanksgiving and I had to deal with the mental hardship of going home for the holidays. It always seems to be a good idea but then I get there and realize it is exhausting on my part. I always wonder if that exhaustion is preventable and so while I am there I try all sorts of experiments like drowning myself in a book or trying not to care too much how things turn out.

Basically life has been kind of like a roller coaster lately, except a mirror fun house is probably more accurate. A roller coaster is full of ups and downs and really isn't all of it sort of thrilling? The suspense of the fall, the fast turns and even the flips upside down can be sort of exhilarating, if not in a jarring manner. But imagine a room full of crazy mirrors. You know the ones that are all disjointed and emphasize some part of yourself that makes you groan or giggle.


That is my life lately. I feel as if I keep noticing these enlarged weaknesses around me and the mirror just blows them up into epic proportions. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes it seems just so overwhelming that I collapse and then turn to another mirror that focuses on something else.

But every now and then I catch a glimpse in a regular mirror. No distortions, no funny engorged body parts or super long legs. Just reality. Sometimes I like what I see, sometimes reality can be just as jarring as the crazy mirrors. How sweet it is though, when you see yourself for who you truly are.

Those crazy images can stick in your mind and alter your perception of yourself, but you have to focus and remember the images you like.

Like the other week when Max and I shared a clementine. He was sitting on the table and we peeled it together and separated each slice. He would feed me and I would feed him and it made us laugh. It was simple but I saw a glimpse of myself in that moment and I liked who I was.

I have been looking for that girl woman since.

I see her a lot more than I suspected. She is there to tickle necks of sore throats and she is there reading "Anne of green gables" for the first time (I know...I can hardly believe it either) and smiling all the while.

She is finding herself more and more as a mother and as a wife and ultimately as woman. She also has a knack for speaking in third person.

I still see those fun house mirrors around me but I understand that the parts of me they are stretching and enlarging is just that---they are enlarged only in my perception. Reality is that they are there, but they are in their proper size and in proportion to everything else.

And I can definitely handle that.

Thoughts on perfection

My imagination runs wild with images of perfection. I see myself dressed adorably, playing cheerfully, food simmering away on the stove. My home bright with light and laughter, there is a slight mess akin to a strand  of hair out of place.

Obviously that is not my reality. When I look around I see blocks dumped out, board books littering the floor like a game of hopscotch, we pulled the cushions off the couch to teach Max how to jump off things and I have zero desire to put them back in their place.

I sit here on the floor in front of the heater listening to my husband clean the dishes and wipe down the counters. Every now and then he asks for me to bring him something and my inner diva sighs with annoyance from being disturbed from my web browsing.

It's funny when we compare our imagination to our reality, we realize how short it falls. It can  be exhausting as a mother to attempt perfection every day but I feel like we are all trying in the best way to we know how.

A little push and pull and finding the right balance between investing in ourselves so we don't want to pull our hair out and investing in our home, our children, our husband who are all silently asking for time and attention and a little tender love and care.

I struggle with this, I really do.

In my attempt toward  perfection something always gets the short end of the deal. At the end of the day, when I realize who got the worst of it I feel awful. I didn't spend enough one on one time with Max, I chose to catch up on tv rather than talk to Kyle, I completely ignored the growing pile of dishes and crumbs that litter the counter in my kitchen. Often multiple things get slighted as I claim rights for myself to completely veg out and try to forget about all those nagging things.

So where do you find the balance? Time and time again I try to look for it in investing in myself because I know that that is necessary. But how do I go about investing in myself. I watch television, go on the hunt for a new pair of jeans, buy some lipstick, google ways to clear up adult acne and swear that I will buy whatever it is at whatever cost to cure myself from feeling less than gorgeous. It seems as if I am investing in myself but really I am just investing in the empty promise that is always out of my reach.

So what should we invest in?

Invest your time in a good book, the scriptures or something else that lifts and enlightens. I am not talking about smutty romance novels or whatever else is easy for you to read. Choose words that challenge the mind. The scriptures are a great place to start especially because they help you develop a relationship with God which is CRUCIAL for personal sanity a midst pretty much every circumstance ever.

Pray, write in your journal, go for a walk, go for a walk while listening to India.Arie, develop a skill (sew! knit! cook! learn how to shoot a gun!), invite friends over, but most of all...

stop trying so hard to be perfect by investing everything in that which doesn't last.

But do try to reach toward perfection. Try to find that which is good and then call upon support from higher sources, for when we do try in all the right ways leaning upon assistance, we will eventually gain the right kind of perfection.

Halloween

I have mixed feelings about Halloween. My inner drama nerd LOVES dressing up and I love candy but I never was particularly fond of walking around and knocking on people's doors for it.

This year I was at a loss of what to dress Max up as (because really this show is all about him) and then I found this sweet suit at Value Village for $6. Initially I bought it because the outfit was too good to pass up. Then I realized I didn't want to put a whole lot of effort into making him a costume (we were thinking pirate for awhile) and so we just kinda decided on this. So we all dressed up at as a Blast From the Past. However, on the way to our church Trunk-or-Treat I had an idea. We could be the Romneys! So we told everyone Max was Mitt and we were....whatever his parent's names are....Marion? and.....whatever. You get the idea.

So Happy Halloween to all you Halloween lovers. Here is to hoping the wind doesn't blow too strong, the rain fall too hard and that neighbors will be generous with their fun sized goodies.

Big shoes to fill

Every day Max will grab a pair of mine or Kyle's shoes on his own and slip his feet in and walk around as best he can. It is quite entertaining but also incredibly endearing. This little boy has brought so much joy into our lives it's hard to imagine someday he will actually be filling these shoes and will be bringing joy to a lot more people. 

Lately I have been feeling out of sorts as a mom. It can be hard to grasp the reality that you are in fact in charge of another human life. It is sobering each night as I lay down my head to think back over my accomplishments and failures over the day. Did I give him enough attention, enough interaction, enough outside air? The list can go on and on and often I focus on my failures and weaknesses and by golly that just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy at the end of the day.

I am trying to remain positive and to find and focus upon the funny moments. Moments like this, where my silly boy thinks it is the coolest thing in the world to wear Daddy's shoes. He also thinks farting is HILARIOUS. I love when he starts talking to my in what must be some form of Klingon or Elven and I can't help but smile. I love that he has a sweet tooth like his Momma but is all about structure and being super active like his Dad. He is obsessed with giving open mouthed kisses and after requesting a high-five he will also give you a fist pound. 

It's the little things.

While Max has a ways to go to fill those shoes, I am currently in a personal quest to fill the shoes 

of the mother's who have gone before me. My own mother who is the epitome of sacrifice and optimism amidst all trials, my mother-in-law who is an extreme example of faith and selflessness, my mother's mother who remained classy, educated, and loving throughout her whole life and my father's mother whose strong opinions are rooted in a deep love for her family. I hope and pray that I can fill these shoes and be an example to those who come after me.

I'm sorry to have to do this...

I don't know if you read as many blogs as I do, but basically the blogging world is swallowed up in pictures of pumpkins and pumpkin patches. We too went to the pumpkin patch...BUT! There's a but! We also went apple picking. Doesn't that make this that much more exciting and diverse.

No?

Well then you must endure yet another shiny, happy family post, but at least these people are attractive. HA!

In all honesty it was a blast doing this, Max enjoyed it far more than expected. He was all..."DUDE THERE ARE APPLES EVERYWHERE!" Then he would proceed to eat practically everyone he saw. He had a lot of apples that day and filled his fiber quota for the week.

 Kyle is thinking, will those apples taste good?

  I love putting my head through small places! This place rocks!

 You've probably had an apple, but have you had a dirt covered apple? No? Well you should try one. Delicious.

 I am so glad you took me to this orange chair store. These are all my size!

Behold the glory of a dirty child! 

Sometimes it can be hard to think of wholesome family activities besides going to the park or for a bike ride but I am grateful for when the seasons change and bring a whole new slew of ideas and traditions waiting to be formed. Kyle and I kept remarking at the end of the day how wonderful it was to wander around as a family, no pressures besides attempting a decent self-portrait of the three of us.

In conclusion:
Hooray for fall!
Sorry you had to stare at more photos of pumpkins.