Tuesday, October 12, 2010

On sadness and hope and the future

So I haven't come out right and said it. Mainly because it is hard to talk about. But I am ready. I am ready to let people know. I also think that it isn't talked about enough. Like it is taboo or something. 

In July I had a miscarriage. Kyle and I had been expecting to expect and the wonderful day came when the hope came that our family would start. I got attached. I immediately was thinking way too far ahead of myself.

Then the unexpected came. Me? I thought this happened to other people...not me.

But it happened. I couldn't deny that fact.

Besides from the physical pain, the emotional pain was the worse. It still is. 

I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who worked with me through this time in my life. Who gave me the comfort of the Holy Ghost and the answers to questions in my mind. 

I had a lot of questions.

Mainly I wondered why I wasn't healing. I kept thinking...I can get over this right? It happens to a lot of people. Why am I making it a big deal?

Well I explained Heavenly Father's answer here:

Beyond that point things have gotten MUCH better. I have come to terms with this trial. I am most assuredly not done with it. But I TRUST my Heavenly Father. I trust in His plan, in His will, and in my trial. Because I know it is making my desire that much stronger, my heart that much softer, my testimony that much more beautiful. I feel great.

Except when I learn that someone I know is expecting. In the past two weeks, three people I know have announced they are expecting.

I grin and smile and then go home and cry. 

There is no official doctrine of when spirits enter the body of a child. My personal feeling is that the child I was expecting is still waiting to come down. I can still see them. I know that I just have to wait a little longer.

This is why I cry. Because I just want to hold them. I want to feel their soft skin. I want to hear their giggles and cries. I want to find joy in their life. 

I know I will. I just have to wait.

But until then I will continue to prepare. 

I am going to better myself so that I am fully ready. Because I know I have a great charge. I have a charge to be a mother. To raise my children in love and righteousness. I know that my children will grow to serve the Lord. 

I must be ready to prepare them. 

I have the greatest desire to instill in them a pure testimony, a solid faith. I want to give them all that Heavenly Father has in store for them. 

I want them to be smart and humble, kind and witty, spiritual and gracious. 

I know that I must prepare now for this. I must create a home where the Spirit resides. Where these principles can be taught and developed and solidified into traits.

My heart is so full when I write about my experience. It has been stretched with deep sadness only to be filled with utter and pure joy in the love of my Father in Heaven.

I pray that anyone who has gone through this experience or will go through this experience may turn to their Father for support. That they may find the peace and comfort He will provide.

Because it is so very real.

1 comment:

  1. hang in there g. i know heavenly father is looking out for you and will give you that little blessing when the time is right. i love you!